From the heart

All The Feels

I’m having all the feels this week.

It’s been a crazy busy week, I’m excited and nervous for what’s to come Monday. I start a new full time job and I’m so excited about going back to work yet so sad and emotional at the same time.

While we debated about me working full time and I’ve been doing great part time, so have the kids, going back to work full time is going to change a lot of things in our home.

For one, the girls will be in daycare full time. Somehow we’ve managed to make it work with my working part time and my husband hardly sleeping on his days off, so he can watch the kids. We couldn’t find a part time day care in the area and full time daycare would cost more than I make part time and just not be constructive to our budget.

When the opportunity for me to work full time care around, I jumped on it. I was so excited and now as the day gets closer I’m so sad to be leaving my two littles in daycare. I’m going to miss them so much.

I love where we decided to take them, I love how supportive my husband has been in this process and I love how my girls didn’t want to leave the daycare when we took them a few times to view it.

However, I’m going to miss them and feel major guilt.

You know, that mom guilt/parent guilt, where you feel damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

While I would love to stay home and work from home, I’ve never been able to make that work as an income well enough to provide for our future. It’s been great being home with all my girls for a few years but I’ve felt the need to go back to work for sometime. When I was home I always felt guilty not working, not contributing to our family financially and not building that retirement I’ll want in 25 years.

Being home has been wonderful, especially this last year with everything’s that happened with my health and our lives, but it feels like the right time. I know my girls have blossomed being home with me and I have too, it’s just time to focus on the big picture and not just the now.

I’m incredibly worried about my youngest, we’ve been home together only 17 months and she is the most timid and shy girl. My middle daughter is outgoing and really eager to play with others and learn, just not sure about listening. My oldest daughter hasn’t mentioned much about it, typically just a hand out for cash. 😒

I’m worried about me too. While I’ve worked part time, it’s been in retail and not my usual job. I’m hopeful I can hit the ground running and take it all in, understand what it is I’m being assigned and learn in the process. I’m hopeful they like me too, because that’s a real concern. I’m a hot mess most days at home and thankfully can pull myself together 99% of the time.

It’s 2:30am, I’ve been awake most of the night because the little girls haven’t been sleeping well. I need to be up very soon to do our trial run of the daycare today before we start Monday and yet I’m writing this, partly knowing one of the little girls will be awake again, any minute. Maybe they sense something is different?

I’ve never wanted Starbucks macchiato with an extra espresso shot so badly. 😔

Please send good vibes ✌️

❤️, Kristi

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